I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
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