I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
