I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
