we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
