I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Randomize
