I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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