i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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