i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
