how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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