Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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