I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
