Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
