I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
