Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
