i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
