remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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