She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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