Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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