man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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