Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
