Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Randomize
