I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
