I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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