Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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