Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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