also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
