Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
