I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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