I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
