The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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