you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
