just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
