The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Randomize
