she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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