So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
