i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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