By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize