drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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