Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
