im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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