the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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