sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
