I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
my vag is so smooth its legendary
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
