When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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