That's when you crack a 10am beer
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize