I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
