I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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