If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
