If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
