Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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