When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
