I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
