friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
