i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
