I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
