During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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