The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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