I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
