I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Randomize
