Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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